We were seated on the opposite ends of the kitchen table. With a basket of bread in the middle, we each had a plateful of spaghetti aglio e olio garnished with parsley and red chili flakes. The noodles were cooked al dente and two glasses of Chardonnay glistened in the sunlight. So much for the tangy tomato sauce I was thinking about.
"Whatever it is you're seeking won't come in the form you're expecting."*
Startled, I stared into his eyes for a moment without realizing my mouth had been slightly open. Could he read my thoughts?
"That sounds reassuring. While you want me to be practical and disciplined to get what I want, you're telling me it won't come in the form I'm expecting? But I suppose you're right. I didn't know I'd be living like this even a year ago. Even when I was young, I thought as long as I stay passionate and hard-working, things will pan out for the better. I'm realizing more that it isn't so. There are a lot more that get factored in, beyond what I had expected. I know times are tough now, and I'm still trying to figure things out, still have dreams of exploring, discovering and... honestly, I think I'm still naive enough to be okay with failing. I'm at a stage where I'm moving things around, building from scratch. People who continue to take that socially accepted drug, even if they hinder me from constructing my own bridges and roads, I won't stop dancing to my own internal rhythm."
"But still," I continue after a sip of the wine, "things are rough, and most of the time, I just want to cry, destroy and burn things down. Or I feel trapped in my tiny apartment, a place that is my sanctuary and prison cell at the same time. It's almost a manifestation of my own mind. I'm in the dark at this stage of my life."
"Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that's how we've got to live."*
"I hope so. I look forward to the day when I'll look fondly at this time and want to give myself a big hug and say that things will be okay. But I've got to say you're rather a sentimental guy. You've been saying really practical and realistic things today, but I also know that the things you write in your novels are much more dreamy, far from what we consider practical or realistic. You say nobody gets anything for keeps? What about the memories of your past love that stay with you, that become part of your body, part of the fortress you build around your heart? Those don't seem to simply pass."
"I spend a lot of time alone, but there are times I do long for others, like when I need help with hanging a picture on the wall and need a second opinion, or when I want to share food that I just cooked with care and excitement. Then there are times when I'd be spending ridiculous amounts of time with someone, doing everything together and not wanting to separate even if we have things we need to take care of. Most of my long-term relationships have been that way, and I loved that... but over the years, I've come to an understanding that I may never find that love, and that only true love, what I'll fall in love with is something more abstract, like art, music, beauty... It's a lonely path, but all worth it. I think most people are frightened at the idea of staying single, or they're too afraid to break their marriage or relationship because of x, y, z reasons while they know in their gut that it isn't true love. But for me, I'd rather experience the pain than be dishonest with myself. Besides, who wants to stay in a mediocre relationship? I'd rather love myself more and cultivate that, even if that means I have to nail things on the wall several times to get them straight or eat meals alone."
Then he smiled. I sipped some more wine and tightened my grip of the fork. It wasn't pity that I saw in his eyes, neither was it agreement. I waited.
"Someday you'll find the right person, and you'll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That's what I think. So don't settle for anything less. In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It's important to combine the two in just the right amount."*
I cleaned off the olive oil on my plate with a piece of bread and chewed it carefully as I thought about what he said. There was a tingle in the bottom of my belly, in between the toes. I felt excited and nostalgic at the same time. I took a deep breath and waited until the next thought came through me.
*The quotes with * are of Haruki Murakami, a writer.
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