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"And indeed, if Eugene Irtenev was mentally deranged when he committed this crime, then everyone is similarly insane. The most mentally deranged people are certainly those who see in others indications of insanity they do not notice in themselves." - Tolstoy
Remember the foster parents i mentioned in an earlier post (must have been a year ago)? They are back saying, "I told you. You couldn't last being alone much longer." Does going back to them make me the most mentally deranged person according to Tolstoy, or is that just life?
I have been reading a lot of Korean books that were written to young adults and books written by young adults (yeah, people my age are publishing books now. I am old). They seem to ask themselves similar questions that I ask myself, and they live in fear, hopelessness and confusion. Is that life? Or is it because no one is doing anything about it, so the vicious cycle continues? Or maybe I am just a little coward in the corner cursing everyone else while some people are actually out there doing something about it. Perhaps I am victimizing myself too much and turning away from everyone.
To be (finally) honest, I don't think I had always been honest with myself. Most adolescents go through tormenting childhood (am I wrong), and I thought what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. With this kind of mentality, I marched on without looking back or sideways. I thought suffering was necessary to accomplish anything. When I realized this suffering is only taking away my happiness and health, I stopped and couldn't take another step.
You know when you are dancing, and you get frustrated because you cannot get a particular step correctly, or you cannot balance enough to hold a double pirouette? Sometimes when I breathe and let go, I get the greatest joy from simply moving even if I don't make the step perfectly. The joy coming from imperfection and the unknown as to where my body will flow. Sometimes I need to remember this when times get rough and I feel like I want to shatter into pieces.
