today i sit and read myself

do you ever go through that moment when you wish you could give a hug and a kiss on the forehead to your old-self?
you see yourself sitting there, shaking your shoulders crying---
or maybe being reckless with your body
or being tired, given up hope?


i am working on something right now
and i want to document my process here in this blog.
i don't care who reads this.
i don't care who doesn't.
i don't care if the reader takes advantage of me for opening myself up here. it won't affect who i am at my core.
(because truth be told, even a breakup makes me realize who i truly am)


the past few weeks have been spent (re)connecting with parts of myself i thought i had lost since i was born.
when they came into my life again, i shouted ====>  "i am not alone anymore. i have found you"
but tonight i had to make "letting (them) go" a part of me.

is it really letting go?
or is it about letting it seep into me so i don't let go anymore?

why am i here? i asked myself. i was lost this morning, but tonight i am on the road again.
i have my bags, and i have a bottle of water.
i am walking alone. barefoot. soles of my feet are tough. tougher than yesterday.
a continuation of my old dream, dreams
not going forward or backward
just inward
the plane folds, it swirls, embraces me and my soul
grounds me and lifts me up
trusting my senses, i am going in and out of sleep
to collect the forgotten pieces, assembling
disperse into space
in that i find, myself
in pieces, memories, and images captured


((singing... sing........ singing))))))

passing the light in black n white

a quote

"The dirty facades, the nameless crowds, the unremitting noise, the packed rush-hour trains, the gray skies, the billboards on every square centimeter of available space, the hopes and resignation, irritation and excitement. And everywhere, infinite options, infinite possibilities. An infinity, and at the same time, zero. We try to scoop it all up on our hands, and what we get is a handful of zero."

-HM from "A Slow Boat to China"

IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

One of the frustrating things about having this blog is that I get no feedback whatsoever from the readers (if there are any out there). My words can be dry- I can see that. Is Facebook a better way to share myself with the world? That would entail posting photos (yeah, we all love "living vicariously through someone), "checking in" to commercial places (a great marketing tactic), and what else is there? Oh, attending flashy events to let everyone know you are really "in" with the crowd, doing "it" and living the life. Hm, I would do such sharing if 1) I was supposed to promote something/someone, 2) My Facebook friends were all very close friends of mine, or 3) You obviously don't know me well enough to know why I wouldn't. However, I would at least get comments and feedbacks even though they may be somewhat superficial and simply make-me-feel-good type. I am writing this post because I am very well frustrated by my failure to create a space for... well, let's just say that I did not intend to create such an un-happening and meaningless (or if there were any meaning behind this, it is very much hidden from the readers) blog, and I am starting to feel like I don't have a reason left to keep this blog.

So there.

where is that photo?

Sometimes I live buried in memories and hopes for the future. I think of the past, feel a tinge of bittersweet melancholy- and then I think about what will happen in my life in the future. Where is the present? Am I living for the future that I can't ever experience (by definition anyway because the future now will be the present later)? Do I do things for the better future? Do I want things now because I think those things will make me happy in the future? What if I am wrong?

The title of this post is "where is that photo" because I started writing this blog post as I was looking for one particular photo I took with my friend late in the night when we were hanging out. The memory of it is rather blurred but it is unforgettable nonetheless. I didn't find this photo because I am sure it got lost as I was switching from my old Samsung phone to Blackberry, but I was really hoping to find it because it would be a concrete reminder of my friendship with this person and how incredibly close we felt then that night (and still do).
The fact is... I haven't seen my friend for a long time. We keep in touch and we appreciate each other, think of each other from time to time but at this present moment, all I hold are the memories of us. In this case, what does it mean to be present with this particular relationship?

Even though it is difficult to make connections with new people, maybe based on the fact that I once connected with my friend I mentioned above, there is a chance for me to make new connections. I should stop being so stubborn and open up more to people who are around me now. Perhaps that is my present way to service and cherish the past relationships I had with my old friends... and when the opportunity comes, I will see my friend again.

 

17.01.2013

"What if he is just afraid, if the truth is no more than this, and if what to pray for is not even love but simple courage, to meet both her eyes as she says it and trust his heart?"
-DW