today finally feels like i am closing a huge book with a 'thump' and i'm on the way to return the book to the library. or i am holding a paper printed with a glossy cover ready to be slipped under the professor's door. despite the feeling of "being done," i sense fear as i recall rehearsing over and over in my head a piece called "separation anxiety: a prison you can't quite escape"
* * *
having a corporate job made me believe that professionalism and money will always take care of me, like virtual foster parents who send paychecks regularly and never fail to miss a cent after deducting taxes. When they feel my morale is down, they let me splurge even. Better yet, they send me proper medications so i can temporarily forget and forgive the misery i face on a daily basis.
Despite the misery, the fear of separating from these foster parents is immense. It's not the paycheck they provide- they have much more power than that. They control the mind of the global economy, and without a doubt they have crushed millions of brave souls to keep up with their ideology. I made a deal with them two years ago that as long as I show them I am on their side, they will accept me. There is one more thing they took from me: courage
I am left without any tools now that I have left them. Professionalism and money only gave me temporary satisfaction of being an acceptable member of society. Once you leave them, they are merciless. They will remind you every day that you need them, you can't live without them. I might be crushed one day, but history has taught me that revoluntion cannot take place in one night, not even in one lifetime. Even if i am buried under millions of brave souls, at least i will know i lived courageously.
