out of sight, out of mind

i have been thinking about the loss of physical presence,

physical absence
does it change the way you feel about it?
or as the saying goes, when it is out of sight, is it out of your mind?
most likely, your answer would be
"well, it depends."

if it is something that you're obsessed with, infatuated with momentarily,
then no, it is still on your mind,
for the time being

i'd like to imagine that we are creatures of imagination and that
without its physical presence, we are still able to dream, fantasize, paint
however, i'm already having trouble being committed to what is in front of me,
i feel detached from most things, most people
anger rises knowing i have no willpower to change,
to care, to wait

out of sight, out of mind,
out of touch, out the door,
   it just hurts knowing that
i was right all along...

silent conversations

conversations are created for the convenience of those
who cannot hear the inner voice.., or the saying goes
by h.d. thoreau-- and this gives me a fresh understanding
of my lacking ability to verbalize or to put things in words

i often find it amazing that some folks can talk without stopping-
they always find something to SAY,
but my head doesn't move as fast as theirs??

self-consciousness

self-consciousness

having a front tooth missing at a party, 

just keep that damn mouth shut n you'll be fine, you murmur to yourself

self-consciousness is keeping on that thick jacket

even though it's hot inside, sweat is dripping down your face,

your back is completely wet 

yet you keep that jacket on 

self-consciousness is when you know

you want to leave, run away and never look back

you imagine yourself flinging that door open,

your legs take you faster than your heartbeat

only to find yourself still n frozen, awkward as ever

self-consciousness is worse when

you cannot bare your body

weight, every inch

down to the bone

that all you can do 

is get lost and sleep

habits

old habits die hard,
despite where you are or how much time has passed, they creep up on you with a different masked face.
sometimes they defeat you, gobble you up whole,
or they become your most loyal friend, holding your hand in the waiting line-
at times they are a faithful lover, giving you what you need.

frequenting nijiya market to get that baumkuchen on sale,
walking on the street, being present near strangers and cars can be a burden,
writing poetry in my head,
going in circles, picking it up, putting it down,
repeat that ten times,


writing things down surprisingly turns the table,
instead of keeping things in circles, it distorts the shape,
rhythm and well, it calms me down.

staying in a depressed state can be a long haul for most people,
and staying in a funk can leave you out of tune.
a few words a day
is a remedy for now