sometimes i am confused
is it you who i lost
or death to whom i lost?
you left on that pouring summer night, a journey without saying goodbye// incarnation of your free spirit
was it your time
to leave billions of shattered words on the tip of my tongue
missing longing nostalgia// forget about the analysis// understanding, layers of words// to protect, to heal, to overcome// but what, why not just accept// that it is this loneliness pot// that gets watered when we are in each others presence//
my chest feels nourished, my body waters like greased machine, making me roam inside
I remember noting a man's presence by the window, who was neither looking nor finding, but just spending time. being there. I felt comfortable knowing that he wouldn't approach me or invade my space. I was gone for some time, maybe even 30 minutes, I didn't even notice his presence anymore... then I felt like some nice beer, I still had two hours to go (more like kill), so I went to the bar, waiting for my beer... that's when he struck a conversation with me
abrupt suggestion before going to james's studio, not sure but thinkin' maybe half. the jam is kinda weird, I cannot dance. awkward? uncomfortable. sit by the drums, take half yellow. dancing, my walking out often, then seeing him drum again, fotos, orange, listening to joe, walk to the park
walking,
going home, taking another half we talk, get comfortable, i tell him lots of things, my running, his email to remember then the message after, his meeting family, his hand holding, kisses, and shower, another line, touching, talking, nver seeing again? its windy, its cold we are wearing thick jackets, we are walking up
24 nov 20213
i am now looking for those feet
that face, that personality
but instead I find
other women, other bodies
another possibility
i sense you are going through
something,
the past
not present
the past that became the present
i receive the recycled version
the refined, polished,
the conclusion-
no process or dirt, just what's at the exhibit-
..
i don't hold it against you
we are simply
passing each other-
you are a snapshot on the wall
that isn't really there
you tell me to remember
remember
remember
I don't know what that means
I am standing
no longer in a trance
trying to feel, trying to understand
-30 aout 2013
"in memory of tiff"
to my beloved friend
in the midst of all that kept you bound
you held your gaze, standing strong
both soles of your feet, firm yet light
on the ground
with doubts in one hand, courage in the other
you came to my room, climbed over my walls
curtsied and gave a wise, cautious look
"You okay?" "I understand."
Despite the wounds, closed doors, silences in a row
unanswered calls
you moved in a rhythm you could
holding a beam of sunshine, an empty bowl
like mismatched pieces in harmony, you
held me close on my broken path
behind those eyes, deep, so alive
i saw remnants of memories engraved in your soul
a box you opened when alone
in the darkest hour, tasting,
burning,
curving down to the bones
never giving up
because... you knew.
many nights we would walk
escape the madness, a forest that could devour us
hunters let loose, tailgating monsters
in the frame of your body, you stored
fierceness
hotter than Flamin' Cheetos
you galloped farther, faster than anyone
like lightning, you made a trail of your own
now, remaining here, i cry out your name
an oasis to my deserted soul, a flower
after years of drought
your ray from within extending beyond
in growth i mold, i surrender
earnestly i write your name in my heart
I swim, blindfolded
through the thickness of hurt
Holding onto the dead skin; a stale scent
Nibbling on waste, in hopes of tasting
To be engulfed again
to hear his beating of the drums
I follow ghosts, believed in nightmares
to be violated by words, toxic fumes
Sleepwalking in this world of dreams
tangled up in riddles, heavy bass pounding
quenching thirst with ashes of hope
desperate until
the obsession takes hold
Unwanted, unresolved, every inch of my body I want to purge,
you firmly hold
give a breath of courage,
wholeheartedly
you remain, wait
my body weeps as you come inside
Lick the layers of shedding skin
caress the abandoned corners and curves
to shake, awaken
you strike a chord, deep in the core
through the slight opening of your mouth i see
the tongue, a nectar on your face
with the eyes, you trust, embrace
lay a gentle hand on my eyelids
the sapphires strum my heartstrings
keeping me steady, a sigh of relief
that follows a realization
a bonding made in faith
my hands play music perform with your body
a holy instrument, sculpted yet melting
on the notes I play, you moan, heave sighs
laughter spreads in peace
on the horizon of your skin
bare, i want to
plant my kisses that you will water,
love, and keep
It takes me back to that time
in Venice Beach, in Electric Lodge
Your body bare, untouched, breathing quietly
Presence glowing, you've completely let go
Trusting, in my hands I hold
Shape, meld you in my hands
Woven into majestic silk, delicate yet firm
My fingers run through hair on your skin
No traces left behind, only the touch
On fingertips tickling the contrasting skin
Stealing fragrance, flirting with warmth
Sweat drops glistening on smooth skin
Your body wraps my mind around it
Takes me into its oceanic vastness
Heartbeat reaching the top of my throat, throbbing
Intense desire to stay close until you and i blend
into each other like watercolors in their element
But now, you've fallen asleep
Gently, peacefully you dream
Shh... let him rest
Let him
get back on the road
I tiptoe out the door
With him on my hands
recently, i got this feeling that frequently watching vlogs and youtube channels is very similar to getting addicted to TV series. it doesn't seem like people around me are periodically watching youtube like me, but i know that many people spend hours on instagram, taking a peek at other people's lives every once in a while.
before all this craze on vlogs and instagram (tiktok, etc), i had been keeping video diaries since i got my first iphone. at first, it was an easy way to record the going-on's of my life. whenever i watched my videos years later, i really appreciated, not so much the content of what i was saying, but seeing things that were around me, things that were in the background. needlessly to say, the changes in my face/body/style are always surprising to look at.
watching people's vlogs online got me thinking about what it means to live vicariously through other people. it seems so easy these days, considering all the different social media platforms. what i find especially fascinating in people's vlogs is that in their video editing style, you can almost smell their personalities. it's like when you hear someone talk, you can somehow tell what kind of person she or he is.
i certainly don't want to make vlogs of my everyday life. i don't think i have anything to share that hasn't been already said and done. people going on trips abroad, people eating, trying new restaurants, people showing what they do at work... i mean, it can be interesting, but there is just too much out there, and i don't want or need to add onto their pile of ... data. on the other hand, i am curious to see what kind of personality may seep through the eyes of the camera and the editing i can do. it might be worth trying. hence, i am gathering and brainstorming ideas...
